The way God leads me.

I did not know clearly what CPE(Clinical Pastoral Education) meant when I enrolled myself in the course. Yet there was not much enthusiasm in me since the hospital environment was somehow scared me of, the intensive daily schedule of the course, three hours everyday visiting patients who spoke local language(Visaya language) and also whom I was not able to communicate with due to language block, the unfamiliar terms of all kinds of sickness, diagnosis and medicine, my limits of English.

I only knew that whatever learning definitely helped me. I determined to make my effort to do it.

One day, as my usual afternoon schedule, I went to the ENT(Eyes, Ears, Nose and Throat) ward to visit the patients. The poor male patient was standing in front of his room, seeing me; he approached me then held my hands to lead me to his room, No. 2027. He tried to explain something to me. I felt helpless when I was not able to understand him; I looked at his eyes and could only grasp his mind that he needed my help.

The block of language became a barrier to our communication. I raised my hand to give a sign to pacify him then went out search for some help. Luckily there was a watcher of my other teenage patient who could somehow speak English. We both came back to the room 2027 where the patient was waiting for me.

He needed two bags of type O blood on the next day, but he was not able to afford of it. His wife had gone out to search for help from the morning but failed to get it. How to help him, I asked myself. My blood is of O type, but the quantity which he needed was too much to my ability. In my helplessness and sadness, I went to the hospital chapel, now my turn to ask for help from God.

I then rushed to my classmate to enquire her advice. I then hurried up to the Social Service since it was almost 5pm, the closing hour. Thank God, the two bags of blood were promised for free to the patient on the following day. I came back to his room to inform me. He just held my hand tightly. I was grateful to God for he had answered my plea.

Another patient whom I visited was unconscious for several days when I entered ICU to see him. I was there silent beside him for an hour, and then started talking with him as if he was conscious.

To my surprise, after few minutes, he opened his eyes then turned toward me with a smile on his lips. He held my hand and nodded when I reminded him something in our previous meets. The whole family of him was so happy. He recognized them each but he was not able to talk.

One evening, when I was about going to the steps and leaving the hospital, his watcher saw me sadly told me he was again unconscious many days, his situation became worse. She requested me to see him. I went to the ICU. I could offer him nothing except my time and my presence. I talked to him as if we were friends of each other. After sometimes, he again opened his eyes. How much joy was to his family, relatives and friends.

I believed this was really God’s grace. What else more God wanted to share with me through this event? This person had inspired me a lot. There are much love and care that we need to share to one another and also to receive.

There are much hope and encourage we need to give to one another. There are much suffering and pain that we need to be humble in service. There is a strong faith and beautiful attitude of surrender to God. The patient had gone to heavenly home with God. Yet he still lives in my heart and mind, I do believe he prays for me too.

I can never forget the two year old boy who lost both of his eye; a so calm face of the six year old girl who suffered a brain tumor, her whole body was swollen, she was about to death; the two month baby who struggles each second for life when I came for her emergency baptism in the night.

I also had times of happily laughing with the patients. The old lady patients who were laughing at me when I was not able to understand Visaya, or burst out laughing when I visited them and listened to their stories, their sickness and even their wishes. My several visited the young girl patient who just graduated from school got gas exploited was able to help her now to face the operation and ceased her tears.
Spending my two and half months in the hospital, I had many chances to encounter the various feelings of the patients and their watchers. Some felt pain, helplessness, hopelessness, frustrated, nervousness, struggle for life, the line between life and death was too fine.

Others found excited and felt hope that their sickness could be cured…Some were worry not because of their illness but their family situations. Some left in their village their little children in the hand of their neighbor or those very young age children had to look after themselves since their parents were in the hospital. Some were mourning for the lost of their loved one.

While I journeyed with them, I felt pain when facing their physical lost, I felt helpless and restless even apologized when I was not able to assist their needs of financial, of material or to ease their pain. I was speechless when witnessing their physical and mental suffering and unutterable beside their watchers. I experienced how limited I was, how limited human beings were. In our limit and boundary, I was lead to the unbounded source which was God. When I could not do anything for my patients, God was the only one whom I could rely on.

He knew the best for my patients. He refreshed me to enter the new day and help me to be able to embrace the pain of my patients, to listen to them and somehow create a space that they could ventilate their pain, turned towards God and either felt allayed or accepted reality.

To be with the patient and listen to them really made sense to me in which I could experience human sufferings. Yet it was in it I experienced compassionate, love and gently care. I experienced that the patients and I were drawn to God and to one another with our true hearts.

It was God who had transformed my heart through contacting and journey with the patients. I am thankful the patients who enriched my life and edified my faith. I am grateful God, who has leaded me to the way of sincere love and true compassion. Hospital environment became familiar to me, the hospital chapel became so close to me each day I made my round trip to the ward.

The CPE helped me to circle and spiral my life “to be with the Lord, to reach out the patients, and then turn to God offer him all human pain, suffering and limits”. I would like to sing a song of peace “God, make me a channel of your peace and grant me that I may never seek to be consoled as to console, to be loved as to love with all my soul(Song of St. Francis Assisi)”

RLTD